Last week I had to take Oscar the Cat to the vet because he was under the weather. He was prescribed both a pill and a liquid medication. The following is a diary of the Medicating of Oscar. Read it and weep.
Day 1: Google Internet and watch numerous YouTube videos of how to medicate a cat. Unsuccessfully look for leather gloves to wear while dispensing medication. Wrap Oscar in towel aka The Cat Burrito. Stick finger in Oscar’s mouth to pry it open. Get bit by Oscar and receive puncture wound. Pray there are no cat diseases that can be contracted by humans. After several minutes of cat wrestling, mission is accomplished and Oscar has downed both the liquid and pill medications.
Day 2: Play Rock/Paper/Scissors with husband to decide who gets to try to subdue cat while the other dispenses medication. Lose game. Don sweatshirt (even though it is 100 degrees outside) to protect arms from cat scratches. Leather gloves are still nowhere to be found. Scoop up Oscar and once again turn him into a cat burrito. Attempt to open feline’s mouth without getting bit this time. Husband is able to dispense liquid medication quickly. Pill is popped into cat mouth. Cat’s throat and nose are rubbed to encourage swallowing. Humans are lured into false sense of security. Cat is released onto the floor where he promptly spits pill out and walks away with an arrogant look.
Day 3: Oscar is finally getting his appetite back, so humans decide to try to mix medicine in food. Humans go to grocery store and buy canned cat food, which is usually just a rare treat for felines of the Caffeinated Ginger household. Liquid medication is mixed in food. Oscar thumbs his nose. One dose of medication wasted. Pill is ground up and mixed in with food. Cat is fooled and gobbles it down. Score is tied.
Day 4: Oscar is feeling better and hanging around in kitchen. Humans feed Oscar more Fancy Feast. After trial and error, it is confirmed that Oscar will only eat chicken-flavored food. Shrimp? No. Beef? No. The other felines in the household, Spot and Lucy, get Oscar’s rejects. Oscar eats only chicken-flavored Fancy Feast with ground-up pill. Humans shoot liquid medication down Oscar’s throat in record time. Humans feel smug and superior until hearing the sounds of Oscar retching said medication all over living room carpet. Humans begin to question why they became pet owners in the first place.
Day 5: Oscar’s appetite is back in full-force. He will now only eat canned food as only peasant cats eat dry cat food and he believes himself royalty. Humans rush to grocery store at 9 p.m. to clear shelves of Fancy Feast before closing time. Spot and Lucy are starting to feel like stepcats. Oscar’s ingesting of medication is spotty at best.
Day 6: Oscar has officially taken over the household. Humans decide that Oscar was faking said illness in order to train humans to spend large quantities of money on Fancy Feast. His evil plan has been deemed successful. Cats worldwide are using the same mode of operation to thwart humans everywhere to rid the planet of paltry dry cat food and the canned cat food industry is booming.